


Yes, I Can.

by Unemployedelf



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia, I want Sonny to be happy but for that to happen I have to hurt him, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sonny is gay, and religious, it hurt to be both for a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7964020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unemployedelf/pseuds/Unemployedelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can't imagine- you can't imagine how many times I have knelt and- and prayed to be relieved of this weakness."</p><p>"Yes, I can."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before we know him

**Author's Note:**

> I STRONGLY headcanon Sonny gay. It's basically canon to me. Also, I got the "Convient Catholic" thing from my Brother-In-Law. He calls my mom that.

The first time Sonny said the words "I'm gay." out loud, he was 19, at a frat party at his college. 

A half an hour ago a guy gave him a drunken blow job, before Sonny panicked and ran to the closest bathroom and locked himself in. 

Sonny looked himself in the mirror, his hair slightly a mess, lips almost red from making out with that guy-Johnny?- and Sonny hated himself. 

"I'm gay." Sonny whispered it softly to himself, voice cracking. Sonny knew he was gay since 2nd grade, ever since his crush on his best friend Luca.

Sonny knew he was gay.

He just never thought he'd act on it. 

"Jesus," Sonny gasped out, falling on his knees.

A voice in his head, that sounded just like his priest, yelled, "Gay people, they're going to hell, so make sure you never hang out with them." 

Sonny clasped his hands together, and bowed his head. 

"I'm sorry," Sonny's voice shook. "God, I'm sorry, but why- why haven't you changed me yet? I've been praying, I've been begging, for years! I've been good, haven't I? I've been a choir boy, I never missed Sunday mass, I pray- why is this the thing that makes me a sinner? Why am I going to hell?"

Sonny waited, as if God was going to answer him.

Of course, God didn't.

Sonny cried in that bathroom, and once he was done, he left, not even telling his friends he was leaving. 

Sonny stopped praying for a while after that, and only went to Sunday mass because he didn't want to upset his family. He went through the motions. Sonny doubted himself, he doubted his faith.

_______________________________________

"Gina?"

"What up, Sonny?" 23 year old Sonny's oldest sister answered, 30 year old Gina, on the phone. "Sonny?"

"Hi, Gina." Sonny was in his small apartment bed, head leaning against the wall. 

"Okay, somethings wrong." Gina was very good at that, knowing when Sonny was upset. "Talk to me."

Sonny squeezed his eyes shut. He regretted calling. 

"Sonny?" Gina's voice was panicked, and Sonny felt his chest squeeze uncomfortably. "Sonny, what's wrong? Please, talk to me."

"I love you," Sonny told his sister. 

"I love ya too."

"I'm gay." Sonny was seeing stars behind his eyelids, and the hand gripping the phone was squeezing so tight, his knickers were white.

Sonny thought Gina would be a safe bet to come out to, as she was the least religious out of his family, and she mentioned once that in college she had a friend who was bisexual. 

Sonny was sure that Gina would not hate him.

"I know."

Sonny's head whipped up, hitting the wall in his rush.

"What?" He croaked.

"I know, Sonny." 

"How-" 

"Do you remember your friend, Lucas? Luca? Whatever. He was in 1st or 2nd grade with you, and one day you went up to me and said, 'Gina, I'm going to marry him one day.'"

Sonny didn't know what to say.

"So, yeah, I knew. Well, suspected. Kept an eye out. Glad you feel comfortable to tell me. Who else have you told?"

"No one."

A pause. 

"Sonny, I know our folks call me a "convenient Catholic" or whatever-" and Sonny had to snort at that. "-but I just want to tell you: I'm sure God loves you. No if, ans, or buts."

And that's when Sonny cried. He believed in God, but he wasn't sure he was loved by God. He hasn't 'acted on' his feelings since that college night a few years ago. 

Sonny wasn't quite sure he hated himself, but he did hate this part of himself. Sonny has gone back and fourth with himself, thinking he could change, if he tried hard enough, and then accepting this was a part of him that was forever. He has tried to date girls for years now, in hopes that it could change him. 

It hasn't, of course. He knew that now. That's why he decided to call Gina.

"You gonna tell Bella or Theresa? Or our folks?" Gina asked once Sonny had calmed down. 

"I don't know. Dad, he hates gay people. He knows they're going to hell-"

"You're not going to hell."

"-and mom? She's been nagging me about getting a serious girl for years. She's going to be so heart broken." 

"What ever you decide, I'll be there for you." Gina told him seriously.

Sonny gave a small smile.

________________________________________

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”   
24 year old Sonny hasn't been to confessional in a while. Hasn't been to church in a while.

“What happened, my son?” A priest asked, his voice soft and fatherly, as he should be.

Sonny picked at his fingernails, trying to control his breathing. This was a bad idea. 

“Son?” The priest prompted. 

“I'm gay,” Sonny told the priest. His fingernails were bleeding now. “And I- I don't want to be. I'm sorry, but I can't change it. I've tried, but nothing works. I don't want God to be disappointed in me- and I don't want to go to hell. I-I-” 

Sonny sucked in air, suddenly aware that he wasn't breathing. His hands were shaking, so he gripped his jeans to control them. Blood got on his jeans.

“Son…” The priest sighed. Sonny squeezed his eyes shut. “You have not sinned.”

Sonny’s eyes snapped open. “What?” 

“The church, we have disagreed about this subject for years now, but those in the church who are truly close to God? We know the truth. God loves all his children. God does not care that you are gay, and embraces you, open arms. You are loved, Son.”

Sonny was crying, full blown tears. At that moment, he started to believe, perhaps he wasn't going to hell.

____________

27 year old Sonny sat at his parents' dinner table, with his 3 sisters. They were celebrating that Sonny was promoted to detective. 

Sonny was waiting to tell his parents and two sisters that he was gay.

After the call with Gina four years ago, Sonny has slowly tried to accept himself. He stopped trying to date girls in hope that it would make him straight 4 years ago, and he had his first boyfriend two years year. He was getting comfortable with himself, his sexuality, and his faith. The priest he talked to a few years ago really helped.

Sonny knew he was a good guy. He dedicated his life to stop bad guys and help people, he was in his first year of law school, he donated to charities, he prayed, he was a good man. 

Sonny's didn't think he was going to hell. 

That didn't mean his parents might think differently.

“I got something I need to tell you guys.” Sonny abruptly interrupted the multiple conversations going on.

Everyone looked at him. 

“What up, Sunshine?” Sonny’s mom asked, a smile on her face. 

Sonny wondered if she would continue to smile at him after today. 

“What's wrong?” Bella looked at him, brows furrowed in concern. Sonny guessed his thoughts showed on his face. Sonny glanced at Gina, who smiled in understanding. She knew what he was going to do.

Sonny took a deep breath. He felt like he was above his body at the moment- he wasn't here right now, not really. 

It made it easier to say the words, “I'm gay.” 

Silence. 

“Are you sure?”

All of a sudden, Sonny was back in his body.

“Yeah, dad, I'm sure.” His voice was sore, which was strange. Did he shout?

Sonny’s mom was frowning, looking at Sonny as if he wasn't real. 

“Why?” She whispered. 

“It's not a choice, Mama.” Sonny told her. He was picking at his nails again. He hasn't done that in a while.

“Even if it was, it's not a bad choice.” Gina told him fiercly. “We still love you. Right guys?” 

Bella nodded. “‘Course.” 

Theresa rolled her eyes. “I still love you, it's fine. Jesus, it not the end of the world, Sonny.”

Sonny gave a watery smile to his sisters, before turning to his parents. “Mama? Dad?”

Sonny’s Dad shook his head. “I don't know what to say…” He turned to Sonny’s mom. 

“What would God say?” 

Sonny winced. “God still loves me, Mom.”

“‘Course he does.” Gina said, just as fierce as before. 

“Sonny…” Sonny’s dad shook his head.

“You don't have to accept it, dad.” Sonny told him. He didn't think he would ever. “Just tell me you still love me. That I'm still your son.” This, he hoped, they could do.

“I still love you,” Sonny’s mom said.”Just, give us time, okay?” Sonny’s mom stood up, and his dad joined her. They left the room. 

Bella hugged him, while Sonny’s other two sisters held his hand. Sonny didn't know if it was because they wanted to soothe him, or if they wanted him to stop picking at his fingers.

It worked, either way.


	2. After We Know Him

Sonny was down. He visited his niece yesterday, and even though he loved her, he always got down after a visit. He wanted a kid, so bad. 

He didn't need a boyfriend or a husband or whatever to have a kid. Sonny knew that. Look at the Lieu.   
But Sonny wanted to raise a kid with someone, wanted that connection. 

Sonny gave a small sigh. 

"You okay?" Amanda asked, lightly kicking Sonny under his desk from under hers. 

"Fine." Sonny replied. 

Amanda gave a doubtful look, over her paper work.

"You wanna come over after work?" Amanda asked.

"You gonna cook?"

"Please. Why do you even ask that anymore?" 

Sonny smiled. "You gotta learn, Amanda. What's little Jessie gonna do, survive off of take out?"

"No, that's what her Uncle Sonny is for."

Sonny snorted. Amanda always knew how to make him feel better. "Sure, I'll come over." 

After work, Sonny was making raviolis with tomato sauce- simple but delicious- as Amanda rocked Jessie. Once the sauce was at a simmer, Sonny reached for the toddler

"Let me at her."

Amanda rolled her eyes, handing over her daughter. Jessie laughed, which caused Sonny's eyes to crinkle in happiness. "Hey, baby girl." He cooed. "You got a kiss for Uncle Sonny?" Sonny blew a raspberry on one of Jessie's chubby cheek, which caused her to let out a squeal of laughter, music to both adults' ears.

"Why don't you have any kids of your own, Sonny?" Amanda asked, watching as he played with Jessie. "You're 30, right? Don't most Italian men have 3.5 kids by then?"

"Haha," Sonny rolled his eyes to hide the fact he was thinking that everyone wanted him to feel bad today. "Very funny."

"No, but. Seriously."

Sonny shrugged, moving Jessie so he could hold her with one arm. "I haven't found the right person. And being a single dad- it's not for me. I want that connection you get when you raise a kid with someone, you know?" 

Amanda raised a brow. 

Oh, yeah. 

Sonny gave a nervous laugh, cheeks turning pink.

"If you're looking to be off the market, I could introduce you to some off my friends. A lot of single girls in Manhattan, Carisi."

Sonny played with Jessie's fingers, just so he had something to do when he said, "Yeah, I'm not sure that'll work out."

"Why not?" Rollins looked at him curiously. "Do you think it'll be awkward cause they're my friends?"

"Ah, no, no, it's not that." Jessie was done with having Sonny play with her hands, so she reached to play with the strings of Sonny's sweat jacket. "It's the 'girl' part, actually." 

Sonny avoided Rollins' stare, eyes locked on Jessie's hands. There; he said it. No worries, no problem, it fine, it's-

"Oh. You're gay?"

"Yeah."

Without missing a beat, Rollins said, "Well, I still have a few friends that I think you could hit it off with. There's more single guys than girls here, so the odds are still in your favor."

Sonny smiled, relaxing. "Nah, I'm good. It'll happen natural, if it happens."

"Hm, okay, Romeo. Now give me back my kid and make me some food."

______________________

Sonny was good with empathizing, though usually it was used to trick the suspects, and not get close to the victims. 

Like right now. 

"Listen, I get it, she's a hot girl, and she was drunk. A guy can get tempted."

"I didn't hurt her!" The suspect, a 22 year old frat boy, hit the table before burying his face in his hands. "She's my friend!

Personally, Sonny didn't think the kid raped, then beat, the college girl. But he's been wrong before, so he kept pushing.

"Well, your friend's in a coma right now, and I got to be honest, it's not looking good for you." 

"I know, I know, I know," the kid whispered that again and again, before looking up at Sonny. "She is my best friend. I tell her everything. I would never do anything to hurt her."

"Then why were you seen leading Sharon in your bedroom, Jon?" 

The kid looked past Sonny, at the one way glass, before looking at Sonny.

"She was drunk, and I didn't want anyone to- to hurt her! So I brought her to my room to sleep it off, and then I..." Jon swallowed. "I left to hookup with someone."

"Okay, give us the name of the girl and we can check that out, and if you're telling the truth, you're free to go."

The kid bit his bottom lip. "I can't...I..." Jon swallowed air in a shaky breath, shaking his head. 

"Jon, whoever you're protecting, it's not worth it." 

Jon rubbed his wet eyes. "I slept with a guy. His name's Michael. Michael Graham." Jon licked his lips. "Don't tell my mom, please."

Sonny opened his mouth to reply, but Jon kept talking.

"You don't understand, what its like- Sharon was the only person I told, she believed in me, accepted me-I-I- I-" Jon burst into tears. 

Sonny looked helplessly at the glass, but no one knocked on it to get him out or called him in. Sonny sighed.

"Hey, Jon, listen. I believe you. I don't think you hurt Sharon." Sonny carefully placed a hand in the kid's arm. "I get it, I do. Being out, it's tough. Feeling like your family doesn't love you, wondering if your friends will leave you, or worse. And dealing with it yourself?" Jon looked up with teary eyes. "One of the worse feelings." 

"Are you...?" The kid looked at him, hopefully, as if another gay person was something rare. Maybe it was, for him. 

"Yeah, I am." 

Someone knocked on the glass, startling Jon. 

"I'll be right back, 'kay, Jon?" Sonny dropped his hand from the kid's arm, getting up, and leaving the room.

Once he shut the door, he was greeted by the Lieu. 

"So, you're gonna check the boyfriend, see if he was a good alibi?" Sonny asked the Lieu. 

She shook her head. "No need; Fin just took him in." At Sonny's curious expression, Olivia clarified. "Another frat boy saw him sneak into the room Sharon was in around 1 am. Didn't say anything because-"

"Because he thought Graham went to see Jon?" Sonny guessed. Liv nodded. 

"I'll set Jon loose." Sonny smiled, pleased that he was right, and turned to go back to the room, but Lieu's voice stopped him. 

"Hey, Carisi."

"Yeah?"

"It's none of my business, but what you said to the kid in there- about being out. Was that-?"

"I'm gay," Sonny said, surprisingly steadily. 

Maybe because he knew for a fact that Liv wouldn't change her opinion of him for it. Maybe because he was a different man than he was 19, 12, 5 years ago. He was more confident. He was okay. It was okay.

Liv nodded, offering him a small smile. "Set him loose, then go to the integration with Fin."

"Sure, Lieu."

 

_____________________

Three things happened this night that made Sonny believe it was the best night of his life.

One, Sonny was making out with Barba in Sonny’s car.

Two, they were making out after their 5th date. 

Three; Rafael just whispered into Sonny’s ear, “Do you want to come inside?”

Sonny gave a breathy moan at the feel of Barba’s hot breath in his ear.

“Yes.”

Barba grinned. 

Later, both men were sated and laying together in Rafael’s bed, Rafael’s head on Sonny’s shoulder, legs tangeled together. Sonny’s hand was playing with the small hairs on the back of Rafael’s neck, while Rafael had a hand on Sonny’s chest.

Sonny was looking down at Rafael, in awe at how his life turned out.

Sonny was 32, and a little more than 10 years ago, he was crying in a frat house bathroom, praying to God. Now he was in the bed of the guy he had had a crush on for the past 4 years. 

“You're thinking so loud, Carisi, I can practically hear it.” Barba whisper into Sonny’s collarbone, eyes still closed.

Sonny gave a low chuckle, which vibrated against Rafael’s hand. “Yeah?” He asked, holding onto Rafael tighter. 

“Yeah.” Rafael’s thumb slowly stroked Sonny’s chest. “What are you thinking about?”

Sonny was amazed at how soft Rafael’s voice was, and, along with the slight red haze that was caused by the bedroom light reflecting against Rafael’s red wine walls, how dreamlike this seemed.

“I never was really comfortable with being gay, until recently. When I was younger, I used to pray to change me. Didn't even come out to my folks until 7 years ago. They didn't take it well; they think it's a terrible ‘choice’ that I made. So I always had a bleak idea about what my life was going to be like.” Sonny paused his hand. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

Sonny let out a sigh when Rafael moved to kiss Sonny. 

“I never want you to feel like that.” Rafael spoke against Sonny’s lips, who felt, more than heard, what the other man said. “You're the most amazing man I ever met. You deserve better.”

________________

"Hey, Carisi, can you do me a favor?" 

Sonny looked up from his notepad, where he was doodling absently. It was a slow day.

"What's up, Fin?" Sonny smiled at Fin, placing his pen down.

"My granddaughter-" and Sonny wanted to laugh at the face Fin made at that. He clearly didn't believe he was old enough to be a grandpa. "My son and his husband want me to babysit later tomorrow so..."

"So you want me to take over your shift?" 

"Would ya?" Fin asked. "I'll repay you in beer."

Sonny smiled easily. "You just said the magic word." An idea struck Sonny. "Wait, hey, can I see a picture of your granddaughter? I bet she's the cutest thing ever." Sonny smiled wide at Fin. 

Fin rolled his eyes, but pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture.

Sonny cooed at the photo. 

Fin's granddaughter- "Teresa, named after Ken's mom."- was a chubby 2 year old baby, skin dark and eyes even darker. In the picture, she was in a bright purple onesie, smiling goofily at the camera. Her hair was short, but clearly curly. She looked happy.

She's adorable. 

"She's adorable." Sonny told Fin. Fin laughed, and put his phone back in his pocket. 

"Yeah, I know." 

Sonny suddenly felt wistful. Sonny loved kids, and kids loved him. Noah, Jessie, his niece Gracie, and all the kids that these cases bring in.

He wanted to be a father.

He knew it probably wasn't possible.

Rafael and him, they have been together for about a year now, and both men recently told each other that they viewed this relationship to be for the long run. And Rafael had made it clear from the get go what he thought of kids-hell, Sonny has seen him with Noah.

Rafael would not be a father.

Sonny was okay with that. Kind of.

"I'll take over your shift, Fin. Don't worry, have fun with your granddaughter." Sonny smiled at Fin, and it was only 50% fake.

“Thanks, man. Nothin’ better than hanging out with a baby for a few hours.”

Sonny laughed at his tone. “Yeah, when they're at that age they can be a handful, but when they're quieting down, or when they get older, you gotta admit that were wouldn't change anything. And get, it's not even your kid.” Sonny’s smile turned more real. “My nieces, little cousins, ‘Manda’s kid? I love them all like they're my own.”

Fin gave a small smile. “Why don't you have some of your own? Stop leeching off of others.” 

Sonny snorted and rolled his eyes at Fin’s joke. “My boyfriend would probably rather lick the precinct’s bathroom floor than be a dad.” He shrugged. “Whatcha gonna do?” 

It wasn't until Fin raised brow, amused, that Sonny realized he casually mentioned he had a boyfriend. Huh. Sonny had a brief moment of panic, but that's only because they hadn't told the squad about them yet, and not because he told Fin he had a Boyfriend, but the moment quickly passed.

“Well, good luck with that. Thanks again.” He patted Sonny’s shoulder, heading towards his own desk.

Sonny smiled.

_________________


End file.
